The title might sound like a negative thing but hear me out, I want to talk about friends who are meant to be there in various seasons of our lives, they may still be there in a less prominent way through some or all of our life but their role changes with the seasons…..and that’s a good thing.
I’ve noticed that women all around me lament not having “friends”, enough of them, close enough ones or the elusive “best” friend. And I’ve prayed, cried, worried and tried for years to find my “Friends” style friends. They would come over to my house every week, we’d go shopping and on vacation together, we’d take a pilates class and catch the latest movies. These women would surely be there with me through
graduations...err engagement?… wedding?… newlywed troubles?…. birth?… retirement? maybe but so far i’ve struck out pretty big.
See, we all know that the media portrays a very unrealistic idea of relationships, we realize how silly it is to expect our husbands to act like they are in a romantic comedy and for some of us that’s actually a relief (i’d be exhausted with all those cutesy lil twists and turns!)
But did you ever realize how unrealistic the female relationships tend to be? Pop culture would have you belief that every woman finds 1-3 best friends who will be there with her from adolescence through old age and they will move from Sex & the City right on into Golden Girls handling everything in between like the women from YaYa sisterhood.
I haven’t seen it. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen because I know it does but I believe those to be the exception. The only women I know who have the same support network they’ve had since high school are sisters biologically. It’s not so common out here in the real world!
I think about my day to day existence and at times I get caught in the trap of why don’t I have a best friend? Someone who prefers my company to all others… you know besides my husband. Wait… I have my husband, we tend to forget them but he is truly my best friend in the world and somehow because he’s a male I can’t count him? I do want female friendships but I think it’s asking a little much to want that kind of commitment from anyone but him, even if tv tells me it’s so.
In youth and young adulthood this myth is easy to continue to buy in to because we are in school/college and therefore maintain close proximity to other females that creates a type of intimate familarity. It’s great, don’t get me wrong, but it’s unlikely to last. You will probably remain friends but for most of you in five years you won’t be talking daily…or weekly even and if you do monthly then good work!
I’m here to say that this is ok though. This is normal and…dare I say, healthy? I think they only thing unhealthy about growing closer to women in the same stage of life and geographic location as us is our attitude that if we don’t stay that close forever we have somehow failed or were never really friends.
I know I had a best friend in high school (and because she married my brother she is indeed my sister and friend for life!) but even being related now we’ll never have the SAME kind of relationship we did then when I could tell you everything she was thinking and probably what she ate for her last meal or exactly which shirt was her current favorite. She will always be my friend though because I always know we will have each others backs even if we haven’t talked in forever except on facebook…and that’s ok!
I had close friends in college, different ones in different years, for a while I basically lived in my friend Shannon’s room then my friend Cristie’s and then when I transferred schools I hung out with the same group of education majors almost every class. These ladies are still my friends but we don’t have the kind of relationship we did then…and that’s ok!
I had friends at work too, my fellow teachers were there to support me and pray for me and help me through some tough stuff! Leaving my baby at daycare the first time, pregnancy again, maternity leave, they even let me cry on their shoulders when I had to leave my 2 yr old overnight for the first time ever for a training. (Yes i cried even though he was just home with dad, sue me :)) In the year I have been home I have obviously talked with them alot less but I still count them as friends, our relationship just changed….and that’s ok!
Now I am in the phase of my life where I spend most of my time with fellow stay at home moms or moms from my son’s classes at church. We see each other weekly, talk about the struggles and joys of parenting small people. We are friends and the fact that we haven’t been that way since childhood or that we may not still talk every week five years from now does not diminish our friendship.
I’ve spent to much time worrying about the relationships I don’t have and feeling inadequate because I lacked them. I have lamented to my husband on numerous occasions that maybe I lack some female trait (He is still friends with guys from middle school on up because guys relationships are a totally different creature) . There must be something wrong with me that I can’t cultivate and maintain the mythical best friend relationship. Then I decided to stop. Stop worrying about what category of friend I was and think about what kind of friend I wanted to be.
I started reaching out to women more often, planning social things, joining groups & not taking rejections personally and I realized…I have friends, they are good friends and i’m thankful God has put them in my life, even if it’s only for a season!
Fun Fact: my hair is basically the same as it was in high school…and college… and most of my childhood. 😉