Staying Home: The Struggle Begins

I will officially be a stay at home Mom June 7th. With one month remaining I am beginning to feel the weight of my decision.

Do I doubt I should be home? No. I am certain God has directed me here.

Do I wish I could keep working? No. See above.

Am I terrified on some level to stay home? Yes.

Why? I’m sure that’s what you are thinking.

  1. I grew up in an area where people just didn’t have stay at home moms (poor areas usually don’t). I didn’t know people with moms like that, I only saw them on tv. It makes it hard to wrap my head around me staying home as I associate them subconsciously with affluence.
  2. I have been gainfully employed outside of my home for over a decade, much of that time I was putting in 50 or more hours a week so it’s just a new way to work for me, setting my own schedule and priorities.
  3. I know that I am taking an already tight budget and turning it into a shoestring I must balance precariously on while fending off the likes of Sallie Mae. (If I stayed working I would have to find a new job though since I am only clearing just over $100 a month now that we have two kids in daycare)
  4. I am not naturally “domesticated”. I wasn’t taught how to cook or take care of a home growing up and although I have learned a lot since becoming an adult I am still more comfortable doing most other things than I am the activities associated with moms.  My lackluster homemaking skills have been easy to excuse thus far (Sorry the place is a bit of a mess, i’ve been slammed all week) but it will now be harder to accept for me.
  5. I am used to being very confident and competent professionally, maybe there are moms who never doubt themselves but i’m not one of them. Being a mother makes me feel so vulnerable, exposing my flaws and weaknesses and flaunting them in the attitudes and behaviors of my children. It’s obviously the job I love most but it is also the most high stakes job i’ve ever had, I take my children’s happiness, faith and futures pretty seriously.

 

So while I am crazy excited and deliriously happy to be staying home with my kids I am also balancing the fears of failure, financial difficulty and my own shortcomings.  I am more than ready to embark on this journey but I think it is helpful to be honest with myself (and others who may be feeling the same way) as I prepare. I logically know that none of the above are real issues (except maybe finances but the Lord will provide) but knowing and feeling are different things and I can not “know” my fears away so instead I face them.

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2 thoughts on “Staying Home: The Struggle Begins

  1. I have stayed at home since I became pregnant with our first child. At the time I was 19, and naturally very social and independent. However, my husband and I knew that our family would benefit from me staying at home, besides the fact that I was raised by a SAHM so that is what I had to go based from. That being said, I think all of what you mentioned is VERY logical. Yes, we are all happy we can be with our children, but that doesn’t negate the fact that we are still people..and people who had lives outside of home before we were called to stay at home. So I feel your fears are logical and honest, and you are right..you cannot “know” these away-because they are real.

    You are normal for having these fears

    I bet you every SAHM shares your fears at some point

    And before you even say it….you are going to mess up as a mom. I thnk we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to try to be “that mom”. You know, the mom that does it all happily, with always happy children that never cry and who follows directions. She always has dinner on the table at 4, and never EVER loses her temper because she is just that perfect. Oh, and her husband never complains about her nagging…because she does it all so there is no need.

    That mom does not exist, and even more important, our children don’t expect that of us. So, though this is the hardest, highest stakes job you will ever have…I’m so excited for you to experience it because I feel you are a great example of what a mom should be.

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  2. Staying at home can be difficult at first but you have to find a way to soak into it all and become a new you. To-do lists are essential and so is keeping a schedule and a routine for you and the kids! It’s easy to fall into the slumps of ‘not-working’ but working at home is far MORE work than ever actually going to work (all day! away from children! [meanwhile nothing is getting done to your preferences at the homestead while you are away] with breaks and quiet-ness and the ability to think and focus on thoughts that are your own within your own brain and not someone else’s wants or needs physically reverberating from the stream of timpannic symphony that is the soft buzz of children.

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