I will officially be a stay at home Mom June 7th. With one month remaining I am beginning to feel the weight of my decision.
Do I doubt I should be home? No. I am certain God has directed me here.
Do I wish I could keep working? No. See above.
Am I terrified on some level to stay home? Yes.
Why? I’m sure that’s what you are thinking.
- I grew up in an area where people just didn’t have stay at home moms (poor areas usually don’t). I didn’t know people with moms like that, I only saw them on tv. It makes it hard to wrap my head around me staying home as I associate them subconsciously with affluence.
- I have been gainfully employed outside of my home for over a decade, much of that time I was putting in 50 or more hours a week so it’s just a new way to work for me, setting my own schedule and priorities.
- I know that I am taking an already tight budget and turning it into a shoestring I must balance precariously on while fending off the likes of Sallie Mae. (If I stayed working I would have to find a new job though since I am only clearing just over $100 a month now that we have two kids in daycare)
- I am not naturally “domesticated”. I wasn’t taught how to cook or take care of a home growing up and although I have learned a lot since becoming an adult I am still more comfortable doing most other things than I am the activities associated with moms. My lackluster homemaking skills have been easy to excuse thus far (Sorry the place is a bit of a mess, i’ve been slammed all week) but it will now be harder to accept for me.
- I am used to being very confident and competent professionally, maybe there are moms who never doubt themselves but i’m not one of them. Being a mother makes me feel so vulnerable, exposing my flaws and weaknesses and flaunting them in the attitudes and behaviors of my children. It’s obviously the job I love most but it is also the most high stakes job i’ve ever had, I take my children’s happiness, faith and futures pretty seriously.
So while I am crazy excited and deliriously happy to be staying home with my kids I am also balancing the fears of failure, financial difficulty and my own shortcomings. I am more than ready to embark on this journey but I think it is helpful to be honest with myself (and others who may be feeling the same way) as I prepare. I logically know that none of the above are real issues (except maybe finances but the Lord will provide) but knowing and feeling are different things and I can not “know” my fears away so instead I face them.